Tag: mental fitness

Shields Up!

chasingpma

As a young kid I was an emotional rollercoaster. All thin skin and raw nerves. Everything I felt hit hard. It was exhausting dealing with it personally and I can only imagine just as exhausting for the people around me. At some point I got control of my emotions, and then just started shutting them out.

I didn’t like feeling vulnerable so the obvious solution was to wrap myself in layers of aloofness and sarcasm. Simple. Effective. Wrong.

I carried on like that for a long time, keeping all but a very few at arms length at all times. Eventually it was as much of an image I was maintaining as it was a defense mechanism. On the surface I was laid back, chill, unbothered. Behind that mask I was terrified of actual emotional investment. In anyone or anything.

Shields, however, work both ways. Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. Even when good things came my way I couldn’t properly accept or reciprocate. Even, often especially, the things I wanted most eventually fell away because I was more invested in protecting myself. Keeping those shields up became a self fulfilling prophecy. I ended up hurting far worse and putting more and more strength behind those damned shields.

I’m still unpacking a lot of the damage I did to myself over those years. Eventually I started peeling away the layers and found the thin skin and raw nerves of my youth exposed again. I’ve certainly felt the sting of pain and loss more acutely than before, but I’ve also experienced far deeper levels of joy and amusement. The news sucks most days, but there are always cute cat videos.

The vulnerability that once terrified me is refreshing now. Where I once had the emotional depth of a paper plate, I’m closer everyday to being a big salad bowl of all the flavors of the human experience. Time to dig in!

Positive Masculine Achievement

chasingpma1 Comment

As I drifted my way into my 30s I realized something. I’m not okay. In all honesty I hadn’t been okay in a long time. Life, and all that comes with it, had overwhelmed me. I was struggling under the weight of expectation and everything was suffering because of it. My finances, relationships, and health were all in danger and I couldn’t understand why. I was putting so much effort into everything and constantly coming up short. Why? Why is everything such a struggle? Why won’t something, anything, just work?

Then, over The Holidays it hit me. Yeah, just like one of those schmaltzy cable TV movies, I had my epiphany. I even had the whole overdramatic look-at-yourself-in-the-mirror-and-say-it-to-your-own-face moment.

“Dude, you have depression and anxiety.”

That statement, by the way, is a completely different thing to say than “you’re depressed and anxious.”

Being something only admits how you’re feeling in the moment. Having something admits that this is an ongoing issue. To frame the difference in a physical sense it’s the difference between getting hurt, and being injured. Hurt needs a bandage and a little TLC. An injury needs time, care, and often some form of therapy.

My Mental Health was injured.

That was the real turning point. Finally admitting to myself that I wasn’t just “bummed out” because things weren’t going the way I wanted, but, things aren’t going the way they could because my Mental Health is subconsciously sabotaging my efforts.

Making this distinction real to myself set me on a journey. I began to examine myself on a level that was, and often still is, uncomfortable. I didn’t shy away from it though. In fact I’m certain some people think I became a bit too candid about what I found. I was always the Strong Friend, why am I suddenly spilling my guts all over social media about my personal issues?

It’s exactly because of my reputation as the Strong Friend that I knew I had to speak up. As soon as I did I discovered two things:

I have an incredible support system encoraging me to speak out.

There’s an audience that wants, and needs to hear what I’m saying.

So, here we are. I’m officially launching Posititve Masculine Achievement. A platform to discuss Men’s Mental Health and Fitness in an uplifting, encouraging environment.

Let’s Go!

https://www.patreon.com/ChasingPMA